The grey gets deeper,
As the shaded tones spark up,
And as it merges into the black of your form,
I feel like running.
I don't pick the direction anymore,
Towards or away,
My feet guide me and I move,
The spinning motion makes me sick,
The lurching stop can't be fixed.
How do I get through,
The gates that won't break,
Or jump the wall,
That gets higher with every breath I take.
The mountain I can no longer climb,
The pain is getting worse by night,
The breeze is too cold,
And its shattering within me now.
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Of Such A Time Are We The Bearers
Of crumbling walls and mourning morrows,
Of suffering and impending doom,
Of blatant uncertainty and intolerable cruelty,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
In a world of perpetual ellipse,
Covered in a dark soot,
Where wind is unable to remove from over our heads,
The deep mist we lie in,
Where the light struggles to enter,
And unsuccessfully so is lost in the stranglehold of depth,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
In a time where youth remained orange and yellow,
But simply in the deepest shades,
Where violence is a way of life,
And pain and anger another step in a day,
Where knowledge is trumped by ignorance,
Or the gathering of muddled up thoughts,
Leading into infinite despair,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
Of times of cleverness and cunning eyes,
Of lost souls wandering the plane,
Of living breathes ending in vain,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
And as we struggle to find the shining light,
We must forsake this life,
And lead ourselves into a place of tranquility,
For we are the only ones who can,
Mold our lives into something of our worthy,
And break through the shackles that bind,
If only to find the strength.
But sometimes the darkness is too pitch,
To let us see beyond,
And so we lie in pretenses of 'nothing's wrong'.
Of such a time are we the bearers?
Of suffering and impending doom,
Of blatant uncertainty and intolerable cruelty,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
In a world of perpetual ellipse,
Covered in a dark soot,
Where wind is unable to remove from over our heads,
The deep mist we lie in,
Where the light struggles to enter,
And unsuccessfully so is lost in the stranglehold of depth,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
In a time where youth remained orange and yellow,
But simply in the deepest shades,
Where violence is a way of life,
And pain and anger another step in a day,
Where knowledge is trumped by ignorance,
Or the gathering of muddled up thoughts,
Leading into infinite despair,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
Of times of cleverness and cunning eyes,
Of lost souls wandering the plane,
Of living breathes ending in vain,
Of such a time are we the bearers.
And as we struggle to find the shining light,
We must forsake this life,
And lead ourselves into a place of tranquility,
For we are the only ones who can,
Mold our lives into something of our worthy,
And break through the shackles that bind,
If only to find the strength.
But sometimes the darkness is too pitch,
To let us see beyond,
And so we lie in pretenses of 'nothing's wrong'.
Of such a time are we the bearers?
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Grey
As the light reflects off the glass,
Showering me in its spectrum,
I lie encased in blinding light,
And linger in a second of darkness.
Unseemingly thoughts combust in my mind,
Ignited by the fire of fight,
To no longer linger after the unattainable,
To try and find,
That one form that fills the mould of my empty soul.
My fingers drift on an endless plane,
Flitting through scraps of recylced memories,
Trying to find the one where it began,
To pinch it out and remove.
As my eyes glance over the hazy exterior,
They are suddenly able to see that grey,
The grey of the interior,
And they remain focused as the colours slowly spill in.
Voices guide me through the actions,
Of monotonous daily life,
Reminding me of worth and faith,
In myself and in more,
Without more than a second touch,
They creep around my nerves,
Numbing my senses.
And as I lie in my blinding spectrum,
Searching for that flitting image,
Or seeking that moment of darkness,
I am embodied, I am falling,
I am beyond the colour you painted me.
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Goodbye Two Thousand and Nine
Here's to another year gone by. This year was swift and passed me by. Some parts of it were memorable- My last day of school, aging into an adult, my first day of college. Others are some I want to forget and as time carries on I'm quite certain I will.
Another year gone by implies parts of me gone by too. Wherein I changed, and maybe even attempted to grow up a little. School ended and I turned eighteen. Parts of me accepted the responsibility of being my own person. I accepted that even though a big part of me just wanted to remain a kid, I needed to grow up. Time calls for it and I guess you don't have a choice. But the thing is that even though it asks for maturity, I'm still that girl that in an empty house plays music and dances around, or stares at the sky hoping for rain, or keeps watching the flames of a fire and observes form.
I graduated. That day was one of mixed emotions. While it was sad of all of us going our own ways, it was also the end of false pretenses. Boards went by, and 4 months of freedom went by. The time that would never return. And for months after that we would sit around reminiscing about our school days like we graduated forever ago.
Today I received a phone call from a junior friend of mine and she was telling me about her plans and countdown for graduation, and it hit me that it's been a year almost. The running around for entrance tests, worrying how one was going to manage the design school criteria whilst being able to pass ones boards at a parental presentable aggregate and one acceptable to oneself.
January comes in. Cold winds blow and fog fills the Delhi skies. And the only thing I can dread come Monday morning is not the prospect of college work starting, but it's getting out of the bed every morning at 7 am and giving up that warm, warm bed.
Thinking of everything that 2009 was, I wonder how things will grow in 2010. I hate the way it sounds. And more than anything I hate saying it. But hopefully it won't irk me as much as these months run on by. I want to grow up a little more, understand some things that I couldn't. I've already had some realizations in these 9 days. I'm changing and I can feel it more than ever right now.
So here's a goodbye to an epic year. A year of experiences- ends and beginnings, a year of leave, a year of discovering a little more, a year of making 'adult' decisions, a year of deciding life futures, a year that seemed to linger on forever and yet flew by so fast I can't even remember that it happened sometimes.
And here's to 2010, a year to have more experiences that can mold and shape, a year that should bring everyone joy and happiness. A year to have enough events that when one sits down to reminisce on 31st December, 2010, so many things that give you a rush of excitement or so many thoughts that fight it out to be the prominant one in your mind.
And here's to life, may it carry on in full swing, unknowingly...
Goodbye 2009. Happy 2010.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Run
Another day passed me by,
And time failed on me.
The moments I was unable to grasp,
Those that define and let me be.
Several seconds that ticked away,
And all I care was what was ahead.
I forgot the lost time,
All the words unread.
I lost myself in the anticipation,
Of tomorrows that haven't emerged.
I walked on by,
As the call of the next urged.
I'm stuck in fast forward,
Too pained to hit pause.
I'm running from the unseen,
Of myself and the flaws.
I'm unable to find the words,
To stop along the way and ask.
I look ahead and its uncertainty scares me,
Like life's become some disagreeable task.
Hold me and don't let me run away,
Those arms I seek.
One's that prevent this craziness,
In whose grasp I don't shriek.
I search for solace,
I beg for peace of mind.
And by some miracle I ask,
Just to slow down and rewind.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Today
Have you ever experienced that feeling of wanting to be a driving force, a cause for change but yet feeling crippled by your own emotions and contemplation of life and being. You try to be something that in your heart of hearts is your desire but at the same time you worry. You worry what the world might say and what might happen if you fail. You worry what happens next and you worry what happens after that. You don’t even bother to live in the present tense and jump to what’ll happen IF.
Our influences in life are derived from various sources. They cause motivation and a thought process. Sometimes that influence becomes so strong it loses its position and turns into an imitation. A movie might stimulate a thought or a feeling to change, or to modify but at the same time it may be a cause for worldly modification to be a cheap mock of a great set. Does that imply that our influences should not be considered by the mind and heart? Or does it imply that the purpose of life is to be just a mere photocopy of some ‘item’ that thirty others are trying to be?
It matters at what point you draw the line. It matters what your definition of the line is. Our thought process and what we get from those thoughts is a very important part of who we are. What our thoughts consider to be frivolous and what important and what our mind considers to be a frivolous thought or an important one.
Our lives are each so drastically different. I’m not going into the whole ‘Oh each individual is unique and beautifully different in their own way’ cliché. I’m facing the hard realities of the world for just a moment. The harsh ones that I hide from every so often out of fear and the ones that just seem to pass me by. We are all different- our upbringing, the privileges we have or don’t, where we live, what we’re exposed to- all that. Each tiny detail of out lives, every millisecond, it matters. It shapes us to be the people we become. It gives us a sense of the person we want to be. And most importantly it helps us decide if being the person we WANT to be is worth all the trouble it takes to defy norms.
Are we all pretentious? Or do we somehow just mold into these people. Bitching, fighting, a sensation of impending doom lingering over our heads versus the happiness, joy and bubbly feeling of dancing cause the sun is out suddenly or laughing in the rain. Where do we lie? What is our purpose? And why can’t we just stop and think for five minutes without being called a ‘pensive’ or ‘philosophical’ type.
And as we wake every morning to a world full of stereotypes and opinions, we not only struggle to wonder if the ones in our minds, ones that we create for ourselves are right, but at the same time hope that the ones we form in other peoples minds satisfy our perceptions of ourselves.
For just a minute if we stop speculation about the what can be and the what will happen and just look at what is, we can be forced to realize so many truths. Sometimes we need just the basic facts to live, but there are those days when you want to know what happened to you, because when you woke up that morning, something was off.
I don’t want to live my life as a ‘Made in China’ fake. Nor do I want to be the imitation of anyone- good quality or bad. I am my own person and I choose that to be my way of life. I just hope I have the strength to live through it. I’m not concerned with the promises I’ve made to people, the only guilt I feel is with promises I made to myself. I am my own fate and I need to embrace that.
I am scared. Scared of what will happen to me if I fail or if I don’t have the courage to last out my dreams. I’m not brave, I know. I run from reality, I hide from the truth. I want change and yet it really just throws me off balance. Today I try. I try with all my energy and with all my faith in me. I try to do what I want and live without wondering what happens next. I am me today, to hell with tomorrow.
I know I can’t do it alone. But I want to do it independently. I need the hands to hold me up, but I need the hands to let go when the time to jump comes. I need the voices to scream to push but I need them to stop when it comes. I need the world to fight me cause without it it’s just too easy and I want to learn from the difficulties. I want to be.
What do you want?!
Our influences in life are derived from various sources. They cause motivation and a thought process. Sometimes that influence becomes so strong it loses its position and turns into an imitation. A movie might stimulate a thought or a feeling to change, or to modify but at the same time it may be a cause for worldly modification to be a cheap mock of a great set. Does that imply that our influences should not be considered by the mind and heart? Or does it imply that the purpose of life is to be just a mere photocopy of some ‘item’ that thirty others are trying to be?
It matters at what point you draw the line. It matters what your definition of the line is. Our thought process and what we get from those thoughts is a very important part of who we are. What our thoughts consider to be frivolous and what important and what our mind considers to be a frivolous thought or an important one.
Our lives are each so drastically different. I’m not going into the whole ‘Oh each individual is unique and beautifully different in their own way’ cliché. I’m facing the hard realities of the world for just a moment. The harsh ones that I hide from every so often out of fear and the ones that just seem to pass me by. We are all different- our upbringing, the privileges we have or don’t, where we live, what we’re exposed to- all that. Each tiny detail of out lives, every millisecond, it matters. It shapes us to be the people we become. It gives us a sense of the person we want to be. And most importantly it helps us decide if being the person we WANT to be is worth all the trouble it takes to defy norms.
Are we all pretentious? Or do we somehow just mold into these people. Bitching, fighting, a sensation of impending doom lingering over our heads versus the happiness, joy and bubbly feeling of dancing cause the sun is out suddenly or laughing in the rain. Where do we lie? What is our purpose? And why can’t we just stop and think for five minutes without being called a ‘pensive’ or ‘philosophical’ type.
And as we wake every morning to a world full of stereotypes and opinions, we not only struggle to wonder if the ones in our minds, ones that we create for ourselves are right, but at the same time hope that the ones we form in other peoples minds satisfy our perceptions of ourselves.
For just a minute if we stop speculation about the what can be and the what will happen and just look at what is, we can be forced to realize so many truths. Sometimes we need just the basic facts to live, but there are those days when you want to know what happened to you, because when you woke up that morning, something was off.
I don’t want to live my life as a ‘Made in China’ fake. Nor do I want to be the imitation of anyone- good quality or bad. I am my own person and I choose that to be my way of life. I just hope I have the strength to live through it. I’m not concerned with the promises I’ve made to people, the only guilt I feel is with promises I made to myself. I am my own fate and I need to embrace that.
I am scared. Scared of what will happen to me if I fail or if I don’t have the courage to last out my dreams. I’m not brave, I know. I run from reality, I hide from the truth. I want change and yet it really just throws me off balance. Today I try. I try with all my energy and with all my faith in me. I try to do what I want and live without wondering what happens next. I am me today, to hell with tomorrow.
I know I can’t do it alone. But I want to do it independently. I need the hands to hold me up, but I need the hands to let go when the time to jump comes. I need the voices to scream to push but I need them to stop when it comes. I need the world to fight me cause without it it’s just too easy and I want to learn from the difficulties. I want to be.
What do you want?!
Saturday, 1 August 2009
Rewind and Freeze
E.E Cummings once wrote, 'To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means fighting the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting....'
As that quote echoes in my head suddenly with this adaptation I'm being forced to make, I'm trying to hold onto my content. This change that I'm forced to make with the entering of new elements, new people and a new atmosphere. The change that is making me let go of a part of me that I have known for so long, the departure of people and the loss of the security a building once held with its face of familiarity. Those halls that we cribbed about for what seemed like the longest time about, all those dreams we had about breaking free of them, all seem to be in another lifetime.
I've been looking for the inspiration to write for a while now. There was this unsettling feeling inside that was just dying to find the right words to convey something. With so much going on in my head and my heart, and of course the never ending battle between the two its hard to listen to the echo of your soul. I don't know how I suddenly find myself being able to say things. Maybe its the being an adult, maybe its the fact that I know that there are people out there who I love who care, maybe its the pre-college nervousness jitters, maybe its the feeling of wishing to go to school again or maybe its just one of those days.
I'm overcome with a sensation of something I've never felt before. I think a part of me is just laughing at some stupidity from the week before but I know the bigger part of me is happier to be that stupid and then laugh over it. I know that I'm not going to stumble so much in life, at least I'll try not to. I can feel myself growing up a little, trying to accept the next stage of life but at the same time I'm not ready to let go of the past yet.
I understand that life has its stages and there are all these lessons that are to be learnt through each of these transactions. But I'm stuck in this fight of letting life explain and defying everything in the worldly ways. I do want to hear and see what life has for me ahead of this path, but I don't want to see it in this manner. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want the smell of the air to be familiar and the way I feel when I walk into grey buildings to be the same as it was till five months ago.
I accept that with time comes change. I accept that people walk in and out of your life. I accept that you have to give life an opportunity to work out. I even accept that being the pessimist that I am now won't get me anywhere. But I ask for simply one thing. Just to be comfortable in my heart. My mind is constantly telling me to be brace, suit up for what's ahead and I listen. My heart hears this and agrees. It tells me that I can't shut everything in my present surroundings and I must learn. But my hands tremble in the fear, the fear I haven't felt for years now. That new-ness, its far too new and far too fast.
I guess the bigger part of me is just reminiscent. Stuck in rewind while the remote tries to hit fast forward. I don't like the unfamiliarity, the sense of being lost, in more ways than one. I don't like scrolling though my phone book realizing that two of the people I want to dial aren't here. I don't like the feeling of knowing that I can't talk to my person at my will and fancy. I don't like the sensation of knowing one more will join that list in 20 days. I don't want to have to think about these things. But I'm forced to. I'm holding on. And it's probably cause I miss half my family.
Through all the battles I've faced within myself this is one I'm being forced to fight alone.
I guess in a long complicated way I'm just saying I miss you guys. I miss everything. I miss us.
As that quote echoes in my head suddenly with this adaptation I'm being forced to make, I'm trying to hold onto my content. This change that I'm forced to make with the entering of new elements, new people and a new atmosphere. The change that is making me let go of a part of me that I have known for so long, the departure of people and the loss of the security a building once held with its face of familiarity. Those halls that we cribbed about for what seemed like the longest time about, all those dreams we had about breaking free of them, all seem to be in another lifetime.
I've been looking for the inspiration to write for a while now. There was this unsettling feeling inside that was just dying to find the right words to convey something. With so much going on in my head and my heart, and of course the never ending battle between the two its hard to listen to the echo of your soul. I don't know how I suddenly find myself being able to say things. Maybe its the being an adult, maybe its the fact that I know that there are people out there who I love who care, maybe its the pre-college nervousness jitters, maybe its the feeling of wishing to go to school again or maybe its just one of those days.
I'm overcome with a sensation of something I've never felt before. I think a part of me is just laughing at some stupidity from the week before but I know the bigger part of me is happier to be that stupid and then laugh over it. I know that I'm not going to stumble so much in life, at least I'll try not to. I can feel myself growing up a little, trying to accept the next stage of life but at the same time I'm not ready to let go of the past yet.
I understand that life has its stages and there are all these lessons that are to be learnt through each of these transactions. But I'm stuck in this fight of letting life explain and defying everything in the worldly ways. I do want to hear and see what life has for me ahead of this path, but I don't want to see it in this manner. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want the smell of the air to be familiar and the way I feel when I walk into grey buildings to be the same as it was till five months ago.
I accept that with time comes change. I accept that people walk in and out of your life. I accept that you have to give life an opportunity to work out. I even accept that being the pessimist that I am now won't get me anywhere. But I ask for simply one thing. Just to be comfortable in my heart. My mind is constantly telling me to be brace, suit up for what's ahead and I listen. My heart hears this and agrees. It tells me that I can't shut everything in my present surroundings and I must learn. But my hands tremble in the fear, the fear I haven't felt for years now. That new-ness, its far too new and far too fast.
I guess the bigger part of me is just reminiscent. Stuck in rewind while the remote tries to hit fast forward. I don't like the unfamiliarity, the sense of being lost, in more ways than one. I don't like scrolling though my phone book realizing that two of the people I want to dial aren't here. I don't like the feeling of knowing that I can't talk to my person at my will and fancy. I don't like the sensation of knowing one more will join that list in 20 days. I don't want to have to think about these things. But I'm forced to. I'm holding on. And it's probably cause I miss half my family.
Through all the battles I've faced within myself this is one I'm being forced to fight alone.
I guess in a long complicated way I'm just saying I miss you guys. I miss everything. I miss us.
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