Sunday 21 April 2013

Change

We've always had it easy. We simply stated our desires and wants and our parents decided whether they were in the mood to fulfill those wants and desires or not. It was simple, dad got a job in some new place, all bags packed the family moved. I got used to being the kid that moved every one to two years. Even though it was difficult, change came without a choice. At that age you aren't exactly in a position to state that you want to stay and let it work out that way. But somewhere along the line of being the kid that was so used to change, I settled. I grew to love a single place with all my heart.

Delhi became that place. Well, Gurgaon. But the sense of familiarity and the known sunk in so deep that now after thirteen years it seems difficult to leave. The only difference with this move is that I took my own decision. A time when I was given the option to do what I wanted. So do I chose the familiarity of the place that I have now come to love as home? Or do I chose the familiarity of family? Of waking up every morning and knowing that I'm still a little bit of a child and knowing that my mom and dad are just in the room next to mine. Or do I chose my dreams?

Suddenly a time comes where you are stating your wants and desires but its no longer a parent choosing what to do for you. Its you. Somewhere along the line you are faced with a reality check. You suddenly realise that you're not a kid anymore. Your mom and dad aren't making the choices of your life anymore. You come to realise that twenty-one is grown up enough. Its time to make your choices, decide how you want your life to pan out. And not just state it on paper and wait around for it to happen but to take a chance on yourself and make your dreams and plans a reality.

I still have that anxiety. That feeling of the unknown that creeps in and makes you doubt this change. The difference this time is that its a choice you made so the doubt is no longer limited to is this new place going to be nice, will I make friends and the likes of that but becomes did I make the right choice.

People say life is a long road and we all learn from our choices. Some of those choices are right, some wrong. But either way we learn from these choices we make.

Letting go is difficult. It is for anyone- unless you are void of any personal association and emotion. I know I've always been a bit emotional. So this letting go suddenly feels like letting go forever. And even though deep inside I know thats not the case, its difficult to accept. I know this place is going to always be here. And the people are going to still be a part of my life. But then why does it feel like its not?

I accept that growing up and change is life. You don't really have a choice at the end of the day. And I know its inevitable. But it always seems to come too soon. I don't feel ready to be an adult. However, when you're almost a college graduate with your entire life ahead of you to do whatever you please, its a little unfair to yourself to shy back and be a child.

In my heart I know its fair to try. In my mind I know I made a good choice. My soul knows what its doing. And even though that tiny voice of self doubt creeps up every so often, she too knows this is worth a risk.

So here I am, trying to grow up a little. Embark on life for myself. Try something new somewhere new (relatively). Here's to trying. To growing up. To change. To risk. And to choices. I hope this is some new, crazy and fabulous endeavor that makes me know what I want to do with my life. And if it isn't, then let it be the first mistake I made on my own terms and let me learn from it.

We no longer have it easy. We make our own lives from here on out. We choose what we want and we are obligated to ourselves to make it happen. Today is the first day of the rest of my life...