Growing Up

So its a Wednesday evening and I'm happily perched on the sofa, watching 'She's All That' for what I can only imagine is the tenth time. Finally a fun chick-flick re-run. The story of an American high school, social cliques et all. But I'm not intrigued by the movie, I'm lost in the depths of my mind.

It rained today. Like poured after a long time. I've found that I have this connect with the rain. It changes my mind and head and all that lies within the realms of these two. It inspires me to be something more, to want to achieve greater things. That fabulous smell of rain that tingles your senses in a completely different fashion. With a smell that I'm still finding a match for. Maybe Kenzo will make a perfume that smells like it, like he did with 'Holi'.

So here my head is at this different plane. I want to write, and suddenly the urge is overwhelming. I've been wanting to write for a while now, but I've been out seeking inspiration. well not technically 'out', but mentally finding something that tingles the senses, that asks for more. For my head has been dull and dying off for a while. And I need to find the urge to 'do'.

Maybe it was being showered with cement on the way home from the mall by Metro construction workers or just smelling that smell again. Maybe it was the running around to 4 different malls just to find a phone for my cousin brother or just actually physically getting out of the house for a change.

The last few days have had some discovering in them. I've learnt things I shouldn't have and things that were right in front of me but that my senses were oblivious to. Learning something and feeling something. I think I feel the tension of growing up. And I'm learning about the difference between 'growing up' and 'growing old', that difference that my mother constantly reminds me about.

A sensation of independence, a sense of being out there in the real world, and yet I feel protected from some form of insanity and evil that lingers beyond the threshold of my adolescence. I always wanted to grow up, faster. Go out more, defy my parents, be a rebellious teenage girl. How wrong I was about what I wanted.

Now that I'm at thins point where I need to grow up a bit more, I don't want it. I want to be that small girl with a fountain ponytail propped on my head, fat pink cheeks and wrapped up in a blanket in my mother's arms, smiling for the photograph my father is clicking. And now I can't ask to live that again.

We constantly are never satisfied with what we have, where we are in life and all that. I remember this anecdote in the book 'Three Men In A Boat' by Jerome. K Jerome. The author sees this phenomenon. It's true. People are never satisfied. Is the richest man happy? Is the most beautiful person happy?

There come a time, as I have learnt, the time when you accept what you have and you thrive for what you want. You make the best of it. You 'grow up' to be the person that you want to be. You 'grow up' to know that there's more to life than satisfaction. You 'grow up' to be happy. And then you are at this place where nothing needs to get better than the way it is.

Be happy. And shine. Because you know you can. And you know that happiness actually just lies deep deep down in a person, it about finding it and tapping into it. Nothing more.....

The Slow Road To Insanity

So the last two months have been probably the most useless and unproductive months of my life. Why you may ask? Well I finished my Board exams (the Indian Board's version of finals) at the end of March and since then I have been absolutely free. Getting up at 10:30 am every morning as opposed to 7:15 am during school days and the likes of the 2 am/3 am alarms during the studying for finals phase. Sleeping at 1 am after watching the idiot box or something equally unqualified as opposed to studying. Now all this freedom seems fun then why am I complaining?!

Everybody, adults actually, tell you these are the few months of your life, those before college commences, where you have nothing to do. I am constantly reminded how I'll never get this time back or ever be this free in my life again. Told over and over again about the work load of college, especially design college and then jobs, and responsibilities, et all. And they thought I was in a hurry to grow up!

So these two beautiful months of April and May, in the gorgeously hideous summer heat of New Delhi have been really just a marvel. Over the last few months I have gathered some perspective, gained some self-insight and grown up a little more. Those being the positives. Otherwise these sixty two days have been pure hell. I'll acknowledge the initial thrill and plans that were made, meeting friends and all that but now I feel like I'm on this fabulous ride at an amusement park that suddenly reached the top and stopped and now its basically creeping down slowly. I'm convinced a snail would out run it by a mile or two.

I am slowly losing my capability to talk. I just don't feel the need, I don't even know what to say any more! The sheer frustration of having NOTHING to do could drive one insane- as it is slowly doing to me. I feel that I am losing brain function. I'm not joking, my mom could vouch for that one. Especially given what happened last Sunday, when I randomly started screaming and shouting. I think mentally she was both worried about my mental well-being as well as the fact that if I continued the high pitched yelping, the neighbours would wonder what in the world was going on.

Another sign of my brain going..for lack of better word, wonky is the fact that for the last two nights I have been dreaming in French. Well that could be normal, provided I knew any French beyond the simple 'oui's and the 'bonjours'. I'd like to think its my subconscious mind. That part that remembers all the French from my days as a three year old in Phenom Phen, Cambodia attending L'École Française and yapping away in pure French not by choice but by the simple fact that I didn't know any other language. Some of my friends thought that this 'phenomenon' was quite appealing while I simply thought that I was slowly losing my mind.

The fact is that I am bored beyond any one's wildest dreams. I sit all day either being consumed by the television or in front of the computer, watching trashy chick-flicks or hoping that by some miracle I'll get a notification on Facebook. Sometimes I even stare at my MSN Messenger list wishing that people would come online, especially when talking to the weird robotic things has become duller that usual. On a daily basis, I put up with someone's incessant arguing just because honestly I have nothing better to do. Making plans to go to the zoo, which by the way you guys has nothing I'm told. These plans get made and changed and modified and finally 9 out of 10 times, cancelled.

Now all that has been said, being purely factual has resulted in giving me something to do. Which is probably why this damn post is so long. And frankly, I could go on blabbing away, it's quite a gift with me I'm told. however I shall stop my ranting here so that you can go enjoy your existence because frankly, I'd like to believe that you have better things to do. So now I am going to go indulge into one of my many fascinating recreational activities and lose a few more brain cells. Or maybe they just become comatose or sleep because they have nothing to do.

This is me, signing off. Go enjoy your life, while I try to get one for myself!