Battlefield

We are all made to believe that when we grow up and enter into the 'Big, Bad, Real World' that each day will be a battle. Inevitably it is supposed to teach us some lesson which is supposed to make tomorrow just a little easier. We are supposed to sharpen our minds and grow as individuals carving a niche for ourselves in a world full of people trying to do exactly the same. And each day is a fight with someone or something to come out on top and climb up one more step of the ladder.

All through our lives we are prepared for the harsh world. And our battles begin when we're young. From small fights over the crayons to actual fist fights over words. But we start fighting then. No matter how big or small, its still a fight. And I think it goes on forever. From fighting to get into a good college to fighting to get a good job till we're old and we're fighting against our health or age. 

This battlefield is all consuming. Along the way we make some allies who help us in our battles. Some become stronger friends and some drift away. And sometimes you even end up trying to fight to keep the friendship going. Each step we take and every move we are making is a precursor or a follow through to some battle that we have fought- knowingly or unknowingly. 

No one tells you you're in a battle. We are simply told that its a phase or a struggle or a lesson that life is trying to teach us. And naive that we are to the worlds ways and words we believe what they have to say. Each day continues like the previous, with blue prints of tomorrows attack.

I think I grew up believing that life was the toughest battle. The one where I would have to prove myself to the world in order to achieve my dreams and that is when I would find happiness- to have overcome the world. I thought that each day that went by would make me stronger for the next- and it did- just not strong enough for what I would realize is the hardest battle to fight. The one that you fight with yourself.

No one is a bigger critic of your choices than you. No one can bully you as much as your own self-doubt. No one can bring you down like your mind telling you you're incapable. But at the same time no ones praise is as important as you believing that you have done the best you can and no one can pull you out of any hole you may have dug for yourself except you.

I think its a matter of finding the balance in this battle with yourself. For every negative you give yourself you need to find a positive. Embrace what's wrong to you and try and make it right. No one should have the right to bring you down and no one but you should be able to determine what is wrong. 

The world will always have its opinion to give. Your parents, your friends, your family. Everyone will have a say in what is happening in your life. But the truth is that their opinions are based on their lives and their minds and understanding. No one is crawling into your head trying to figure out how you feel about something, they just want to tell you what they think. Its upto you whether the outsiders opinion is something that matters or not.

Life is extremely short, even if some days it seems like its never ending or dragging its feet refusing to get to its destination. And even on the slow rest days, we are still soldiers of this battlefield. Its just our choice on which battle we want to fight - the one against ourselves or the one against the opinions the world has of us. 

We all want to go out and make it big. Its human nature to want everything. But how many battles are you willing to fight before you get tired? And will fighting all these battles really make you truly happy?

The Plan

It's always about the plan. The constant question of 'What are you going to do next?'. You haven't even finished one thing and the world already wants to know what your next move is going to be. No one thinks life is easy. Its a tough battle but you'd think being happy should be the most important thing. But it's not. Having a plan is.

Its like a game where you have to plot three or four moves in advance. And god forbid should you change your course of action along the way. Or take an extra moment to figure out your next move. Waiting around trying to figure out what to do next is such a waste- you should know exactly what to do. In the unfortunate event you don't, watchers turn to look at you and gaze so burningly at you that you feel like you might just catch fire. 

People always say that one learns from their mistakes. I think that part of the reason we make mistakes is because we're not allowed to think long enough about what we are doing. It's almost like a societal ritual- school, college, work, study some more, get married, have kids and then subject them to this same cycle. What if somewhere in the middle of these stages you decide that you want to do something different it's almost like you've wasted everything you've done before. Sure the world will be supportive and say 'You must pursue your dreams and do what makes you happy' but its a lie. A sugar coating to what is actually judgement on your decisions.

Every move you make is scrutinized and watched. Whether its a board game with friends or the choices you make in life. We as human beings are constantly planning and strategising. I actually feel like all our brains are just going to explode one day from all the pressure it takes. You can't be too emotional, you can't be too ignorant, you can't always be right and there's no way you can take a backseat and just let things happen for a while. 

Sometimes I wonder if life is easier for those people who aren't allowed to make their own choices. Is being unhappy easier than constantly having to decide and have those choices watched and commented upon? Is being forced to live a certain way less pressure than making a mistake by choosing how you want your life to pan out? And is just being easier than dreaming?

I think people who have a plan are lucky. I used to be one of those people. I had a plan. But we don't account for change. I think people who can cope with change are even luckier. I know I can't. I try but I feel like everything is falling apart. I think people who are strong and independent are lucky. I'm starting to think I'm not. 

The constant pressure to prove what and who you are is taxing. Its enough to drive someone insane. I wonder now if having a plan is easier. To always have an answer to the question of what you plan to do next. And what happens to those of us who don't know? Or better, what happens to those of us who had a plan and are now spinning broken compasses with no True North? 

You need to have a plan. Life doesn't work if you don't. You are supposed to get a job when you graduate from college. And if you don't, you should know EXACTLY what you're doing. You can't be me, sitting around in my pajamas wondering what the hell is going on. That's not allowed.

The world doesn't work that way. You need a plan. And if you don't, you don't work in the world...

Change

We've always had it easy. We simply stated our desires and wants and our parents decided whether they were in the mood to fulfill those wants and desires or not. It was simple, dad got a job in some new place, all bags packed the family moved. I got used to being the kid that moved every one to two years. Even though it was difficult, change came without a choice. At that age you aren't exactly in a position to state that you want to stay and let it work out that way. But somewhere along the line of being the kid that was so used to change, I settled. I grew to love a single place with all my heart.

Delhi became that place. Well, Gurgaon. But the sense of familiarity and the known sunk in so deep that now after thirteen years it seems difficult to leave. The only difference with this move is that I took my own decision. A time when I was given the option to do what I wanted. So do I chose the familiarity of the place that I have now come to love as home? Or do I chose the familiarity of family? Of waking up every morning and knowing that I'm still a little bit of a child and knowing that my mom and dad are just in the room next to mine. Or do I chose my dreams?

Suddenly a time comes where you are stating your wants and desires but its no longer a parent choosing what to do for you. Its you. Somewhere along the line you are faced with a reality check. You suddenly realise that you're not a kid anymore. Your mom and dad aren't making the choices of your life anymore. You come to realise that twenty-one is grown up enough. Its time to make your choices, decide how you want your life to pan out. And not just state it on paper and wait around for it to happen but to take a chance on yourself and make your dreams and plans a reality.

I still have that anxiety. That feeling of the unknown that creeps in and makes you doubt this change. The difference this time is that its a choice you made so the doubt is no longer limited to is this new place going to be nice, will I make friends and the likes of that but becomes did I make the right choice.

People say life is a long road and we all learn from our choices. Some of those choices are right, some wrong. But either way we learn from these choices we make.

Letting go is difficult. It is for anyone- unless you are void of any personal association and emotion. I know I've always been a bit emotional. So this letting go suddenly feels like letting go forever. And even though deep inside I know thats not the case, its difficult to accept. I know this place is going to always be here. And the people are going to still be a part of my life. But then why does it feel like its not?

I accept that growing up and change is life. You don't really have a choice at the end of the day. And I know its inevitable. But it always seems to come too soon. I don't feel ready to be an adult. However, when you're almost a college graduate with your entire life ahead of you to do whatever you please, its a little unfair to yourself to shy back and be a child.

In my heart I know its fair to try. In my mind I know I made a good choice. My soul knows what its doing. And even though that tiny voice of self doubt creeps up every so often, she too knows this is worth a risk.

So here I am, trying to grow up a little. Embark on life for myself. Try something new somewhere new (relatively). Here's to trying. To growing up. To change. To risk. And to choices. I hope this is some new, crazy and fabulous endeavor that makes me know what I want to do with my life. And if it isn't, then let it be the first mistake I made on my own terms and let me learn from it.

We no longer have it easy. We make our own lives from here on out. We choose what we want and we are obligated to ourselves to make it happen. Today is the first day of the rest of my life...