Untitled

Its a cold cold night tonight,
And among the stars are fireflies,
In the darkness that's out of control,
I feel my emotions rise.

Its a tricky path, this life,
Full of forks and unknown divides,
And as we all stumble along to be,
The best version of us hides.

In the cruelty the floats upon the surface,
I wonder if drowning might show,
The goodness that lies beneath,
And can we catch it before it flows.

We live without respect now,
Money makes the world turn,
Each does as they fancy,
When did our moral compass burn?

What happened to the simpler times,
Where everyone was happy and fine,
No one walked around in fear,
Mistaking everything as a bad sign.

We run and strive for acceptance,
We want to be the best and outshine the others,
And we're willing to do it at any cost,
Even crushing and breaking our brothers.

Its a cold cold night tonight,
I pray for warmer sunny times,
Where life is simple and uncomplicated,
Where everyone is truly fine...

Broken Compass

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honoured by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up..."

Today I feel directionless. I feel like I don't have the strength to choose my path. I feel regret and my choices and I feel lost in a pool of thought. Even though I don't have the strength to fight, I feel the will to try. My heart is bogged down by the emotions of embarrassment and resentment. These feelings I feel towards myself. I feel like a destroyer who burnt down bridges, who feels helpless and lost in abandoned land. There is no path that can get me out of here except the one I draw for myself.

I don't feel honoured at my choices, not all my choices. Somewhere I feel like I could have been better, stronger and maybe the outcome may have been more hopeful. Sometimes I feel I should have refrained, kept words in my heart to spare someone else's heart. Sometimes I wonder if I strived for too little, that I was worth more and that I may have settled. But then I feel that maybe I'm too little for what I have and that what I have is so much bigger than what I deserve.

My spirit is crushed, I can feel my footsteps faltering on this road. I can feel the thirst in my throat reaching an aching point. A part of me is determined to walk a path that will in turn please people and along which I may find some peace of mind and a sprinkle of happiness. Another part of me wants to fall to the ground and give up all my paths. And yet another part of me, the small voice inside my head, tells me that life is too short for the regrets I feel.

As this ongoing battle inside me drains my energy, I feel incapable of moving on from this state of mind. My darkness is not only inside me, but I feel it around me now. I feel the last two years have changed me so much. I feel tired and old. I feel lost and broken. And even despite the support I've had, I feel more alone than ever.

I feel directionless and lost. Broken in abandoned land. Down on my knees and thinking that this may not be worth it anymore- not the regret, not the sorrow, not the darkness nor the joy. I feel the penetrating gaze of society as it judges my every choice, my every motion and for the first time in a long time, I don't have it in me to fight to be who I want to.

Standing here I look around hoping to find a face to read, a hand to hold, a soul to bond. Even though the world runs by be in its hurry and rush to achieve, I stand here still with nowhere to run to, to goal to achieve. As it all turns into a blur, the only thing I see clearly is the broken compass of my life.

Stuck In Reverse

Its one of those days where I feel my mind being completely restless. I can feel the tension in my body as it paces up and down the narrow corridor lined with memories. Its looking for something, or wishing for something, I cannot decipher what it wants. All I know is that there is a sudden sense of longing and reminiscence.

The feelings make me feel old. I suddenly feel like so much has changed in such little time that it feels like decades ago when things were easier. My being craves for that senseless chatter in corridors trying to catch glimpses of winter sun, it craves for those days when it was so much easier to shake off a bad feeling. Somehow it feels like we've lost out on eachother, and I can't help but feel like I am no longer capable of mending a bridge.

As the tornado of these memories rushes through me, I feel like I'm stuck in some parallel universe which thrives on dilemma. I know not where to go, or whom to call when I've lost my way. Faces seem to be fading in my mind and relationships seem to just linger with a lost scent. Words lie here forgotten and promises of bonds remain tangled in the woes of daily life.

At some point in this text, I feel like I'm whining. Like I'm trying to make it seem like my life is miserable, it's not. That old 'Emo' version, as some would joke, has died away with time. I don't feel like the old version of myself, injuries and immunity issues aside. Its like another form of evolution. Time forces you to adapt to the environment around you and to cope with change, and one must learn to embrace the ticking of the clock. Granted that most of us have more tomorrows left than yesterdays, but those yesterdays cannot be forgotten as they define who we are today.

The whirlwinds of old flames and relationships and places are like old oil paintings, the frames are chipping and the paint is peeling off. And yet in its dishevelled face, there is still beauty. There is always an underlying likeability to everything, finding it makes accepting it easier.

I am walking down memory lane, and right now I do feel a little like a silly teenage girl feeling bad about who didn't call or what party I missed or why she's mad at me. At this juncture, the older version of me is saying that there are more important things than worrying, but I cannot help but do so (part of this problem may be genetic). The old days may have been fun, the new days far tougher, and yet somehow its the mixture of these two drastic sides of our lives that have culminated to make us into personalities.

Maybe today I am stuck in reverse and I miss old faces and people. I just hope tomorrow I can embrace the fact that maybe some of those faces are fading and there are new ones around, not to replace the old but to enrich me in whatever way they can. Life has changed, this fact just needs to be accepted...