Broken Compass

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honoured by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up..."

Today I feel directionless. I feel like I don't have the strength to choose my path. I feel regret and my choices and I feel lost in a pool of thought. Even though I don't have the strength to fight, I feel the will to try. My heart is bogged down by the emotions of embarrassment and resentment. These feelings I feel towards myself. I feel like a destroyer who burnt down bridges, who feels helpless and lost in abandoned land. There is no path that can get me out of here except the one I draw for myself.

I don't feel honoured at my choices, not all my choices. Somewhere I feel like I could have been better, stronger and maybe the outcome may have been more hopeful. Sometimes I feel I should have refrained, kept words in my heart to spare someone else's heart. Sometimes I wonder if I strived for too little, that I was worth more and that I may have settled. But then I feel that maybe I'm too little for what I have and that what I have is so much bigger than what I deserve.

My spirit is crushed, I can feel my footsteps faltering on this road. I can feel the thirst in my throat reaching an aching point. A part of me is determined to walk a path that will in turn please people and along which I may find some peace of mind and a sprinkle of happiness. Another part of me wants to fall to the ground and give up all my paths. And yet another part of me, the small voice inside my head, tells me that life is too short for the regrets I feel.

As this ongoing battle inside me drains my energy, I feel incapable of moving on from this state of mind. My darkness is not only inside me, but I feel it around me now. I feel the last two years have changed me so much. I feel tired and old. I feel lost and broken. And even despite the support I've had, I feel more alone than ever.

I feel directionless and lost. Broken in abandoned land. Down on my knees and thinking that this may not be worth it anymore- not the regret, not the sorrow, not the darkness nor the joy. I feel the penetrating gaze of society as it judges my every choice, my every motion and for the first time in a long time, I don't have it in me to fight to be who I want to.

Standing here I look around hoping to find a face to read, a hand to hold, a soul to bond. Even though the world runs by be in its hurry and rush to achieve, I stand here still with nowhere to run to, to goal to achieve. As it all turns into a blur, the only thing I see clearly is the broken compass of my life.