Rewind and Freeze

E.E Cummings once wrote, 'To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means fighting the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting....'

As that quote echoes in my head suddenly with this adaptation I'm being forced to make, I'm trying to hold onto my content. This change that I'm forced to make with the entering of new elements, new people and a new atmosphere. The change that is making me let go of a part of me that I have known for so long, the departure of people and the loss of the security a building once held with its face of familiarity. Those halls that we cribbed about for what seemed like the longest time about, all those dreams we had about breaking free of them, all seem to be in another lifetime.

I've been looking for the inspiration to write for a while now. There was this unsettling feeling inside that was just dying to find the right words to convey something. With so much going on in my head and my heart, and of course the never ending battle between the two its hard to listen to the echo of your soul. I don't know how I suddenly find myself being able to say things. Maybe its the being an adult, maybe its the fact that I know that there are people out there who I love who care, maybe its the pre-college nervousness jitters, maybe its the feeling of wishing to go to school again or maybe its just one of those days.

I'm overcome with a sensation of something I've never felt before. I think a part of me is just laughing at some stupidity from the week before but I know the bigger part of me is happier to be that stupid and then laugh over it. I know that I'm not going to stumble so much in life, at least I'll try not to. I can feel myself growing up a little, trying to accept the next stage of life but at the same time I'm not ready to let go of the past yet.

I understand that life has its stages and there are all these lessons that are to be learnt through each of these transactions. But I'm stuck in this fight of letting life explain and defying everything in the worldly ways. I do want to hear and see what life has for me ahead of this path, but I don't want to see it in this manner. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want the smell of the air to be familiar and the way I feel when I walk into grey buildings to be the same as it was till five months ago.

I accept that with time comes change. I accept that people walk in and out of your life. I accept that you have to give life an opportunity to work out. I even accept that being the pessimist that I am now won't get me anywhere. But I ask for simply one thing. Just to be comfortable in my heart. My mind is constantly telling me to be brace, suit up for what's ahead and I listen. My heart hears this and agrees. It tells me that I can't shut everything in my present surroundings and I must learn. But my hands tremble in the fear, the fear I haven't felt for years now. That new-ness, its far too new and far too fast.

I guess the bigger part of me is just reminiscent. Stuck in rewind while the remote tries to hit fast forward. I don't like the unfamiliarity, the sense of being lost, in more ways than one. I don't like scrolling though my phone book realizing that two of the people I want to dial aren't here. I don't like the feeling of knowing that I can't talk to my person at my will and fancy. I don't like the sensation of knowing one more will join that list in 20 days. I don't want to have to think about these things. But I'm forced to. I'm holding on. And it's probably cause I miss half my family.

Through all the battles I've faced within myself this is one I'm being forced to fight alone.

I guess in a long complicated way I'm just saying I miss you guys. I miss everything. I miss us.