Growing Up

So its a Wednesday evening and I'm happily perched on the sofa, watching 'She's All That' for what I can only imagine is the tenth time. Finally a fun chick-flick re-run. The story of an American high school, social cliques et all. But I'm not intrigued by the movie, I'm lost in the depths of my mind.

It rained today. Like poured after a long time. I've found that I have this connect with the rain. It changes my mind and head and all that lies within the realms of these two. It inspires me to be something more, to want to achieve greater things. That fabulous smell of rain that tingles your senses in a completely different fashion. With a smell that I'm still finding a match for. Maybe Kenzo will make a perfume that smells like it, like he did with 'Holi'.

So here my head is at this different plane. I want to write, and suddenly the urge is overwhelming. I've been wanting to write for a while now, but I've been out seeking inspiration. well not technically 'out', but mentally finding something that tingles the senses, that asks for more. For my head has been dull and dying off for a while. And I need to find the urge to 'do'.

Maybe it was being showered with cement on the way home from the mall by Metro construction workers or just smelling that smell again. Maybe it was the running around to 4 different malls just to find a phone for my cousin brother or just actually physically getting out of the house for a change.

The last few days have had some discovering in them. I've learnt things I shouldn't have and things that were right in front of me but that my senses were oblivious to. Learning something and feeling something. I think I feel the tension of growing up. And I'm learning about the difference between 'growing up' and 'growing old', that difference that my mother constantly reminds me about.

A sensation of independence, a sense of being out there in the real world, and yet I feel protected from some form of insanity and evil that lingers beyond the threshold of my adolescence. I always wanted to grow up, faster. Go out more, defy my parents, be a rebellious teenage girl. How wrong I was about what I wanted.

Now that I'm at thins point where I need to grow up a bit more, I don't want it. I want to be that small girl with a fountain ponytail propped on my head, fat pink cheeks and wrapped up in a blanket in my mother's arms, smiling for the photograph my father is clicking. And now I can't ask to live that again.

We constantly are never satisfied with what we have, where we are in life and all that. I remember this anecdote in the book 'Three Men In A Boat' by Jerome. K Jerome. The author sees this phenomenon. It's true. People are never satisfied. Is the richest man happy? Is the most beautiful person happy?

There come a time, as I have learnt, the time when you accept what you have and you thrive for what you want. You make the best of it. You 'grow up' to be the person that you want to be. You 'grow up' to know that there's more to life than satisfaction. You 'grow up' to be happy. And then you are at this place where nothing needs to get better than the way it is.

Be happy. And shine. Because you know you can. And you know that happiness actually just lies deep deep down in a person, it about finding it and tapping into it. Nothing more.....