Today

Have you ever experienced that feeling of wanting to be a driving force, a cause for change but yet feeling crippled by your own emotions and contemplation of life and being. You try to be something that in your heart of hearts is your desire but at the same time you worry. You worry what the world might say and what might happen if you fail. You worry what happens next and you worry what happens after that. You don’t even bother to live in the present tense and jump to what’ll happen IF.

Our influences in life are derived from various sources. They cause motivation and a thought process. Sometimes that influence becomes so strong it loses its position and turns into an imitation. A movie might stimulate a thought or a feeling to change, or to modify but at the same time it may be a cause for worldly modification to be a cheap mock of a great set. Does that imply that our influences should not be considered by the mind and heart? Or does it imply that the purpose of life is to be just a mere photocopy of some ‘item’ that thirty others are trying to be?

It matters at what point you draw the line. It matters what your definition of the line is. Our thought process and what we get from those thoughts is a very important part of who we are. What our thoughts consider to be frivolous and what important and what our mind considers to be a frivolous thought or an important one.

Our lives are each so drastically different. I’m not going into the whole ‘Oh each individual is unique and beautifully different in their own way’ cliché. I’m facing the hard realities of the world for just a moment. The harsh ones that I hide from every so often out of fear and the ones that just seem to pass me by. We are all different- our upbringing, the privileges we have or don’t, where we live, what we’re exposed to- all that. Each tiny detail of out lives, every millisecond, it matters. It shapes us to be the people we become. It gives us a sense of the person we want to be. And most importantly it helps us decide if being the person we WANT to be is worth all the trouble it takes to defy norms.

Are we all pretentious? Or do we somehow just mold into these people. Bitching, fighting, a sensation of impending doom lingering over our heads versus the happiness, joy and bubbly feeling of dancing cause the sun is out suddenly or laughing in the rain. Where do we lie? What is our purpose? And why can’t we just stop and think for five minutes without being called a ‘pensive’ or ‘philosophical’ type.

And as we wake every morning to a world full of stereotypes and opinions, we not only struggle to wonder if the ones in our minds, ones that we create for ourselves are right, but at the same time hope that the ones we form in other peoples minds satisfy our perceptions of ourselves.
For just a minute if we stop speculation about the what can be and the what will happen and just look at what is, we can be forced to realize so many truths. Sometimes we need just the basic facts to live, but there are those days when you want to know what happened to you, because when you woke up that morning, something was off.

I don’t want to live my life as a ‘Made in China’ fake. Nor do I want to be the imitation of anyone- good quality or bad. I am my own person and I choose that to be my way of life. I just hope I have the strength to live through it. I’m not concerned with the promises I’ve made to people, the only guilt I feel is with promises I made to myself. I am my own fate and I need to embrace that.

I am scared. Scared of what will happen to me if I fail or if I don’t have the courage to last out my dreams. I’m not brave, I know. I run from reality, I hide from the truth. I want change and yet it really just throws me off balance. Today I try. I try with all my energy and with all my faith in me. I try to do what I want and live without wondering what happens next. I am me today, to hell with tomorrow.

I know I can’t do it alone. But I want to do it independently. I need the hands to hold me up, but I need the hands to let go when the time to jump comes. I need the voices to scream to push but I need them to stop when it comes. I need the world to fight me cause without it it’s just too easy and I want to learn from the difficulties. I want to be.

What do you want?!